she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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