After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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