My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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