Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
