saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
