you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
