I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
