Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My cat gives me a boner
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
