I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
