You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
