please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
