Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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