im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
