i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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