Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
