Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
