But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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