when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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