i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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