As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
