dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Two words: nipple clamps
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