i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
