my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize