Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
