I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
