Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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