Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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