i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
