Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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