this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
