Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
