Umm I'm too high to move.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
