You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wish I only lived at night.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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