chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
