I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
