you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize