At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
