Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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