Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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