Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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