there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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