You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
