Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
