dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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