literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
