If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
