u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
