i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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