I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
