so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
