Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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