Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
