im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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