I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
