Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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