you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
