Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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