So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
