i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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