Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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