The maid of honor just puked.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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