what day is it and did you see me today?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm too high and old for this...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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