It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My vagina is officially offended.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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