You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
