i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
