I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
