I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
